Just when you thought it could not get any more bizarre in the Christian Alternative Media Universe, last night The Hagmann Report radio show presented us with a News and Conference Recap, with Doug and Joe Hagmann discussing their troubles with the TSA at the airport, the Hotel Lockdown because of terrorist threats against the speakers, and the Saturday night incident when the “Feds” removed an attendee from the Hear The Watchman conference.
Doug Hagmann reassured his listeners that “I don’t like drama”, but then tells the dramatic story of some individual who had been on his show once, who had called up the Grapevine police with a credible threat that involved the speakers. You might want to listen to the whole show as some of this story is told at the start, interrupted, and then later continued after the first hour. Apparently the police erected a surveillance tower with tinted windows which stood 25 feet high off the ground at the hotel, and they would not let Hagmann out of the hotel.
And it seems that the attendees were not told the true story, because they were not the targets. However, if you were the one who might get caught in the crosshairs of a maniac, would you not want to know about this, as you sat listening to the speakers? I am getting the idea that something is going on behind the scenes where Hagmann and Quayle (Timothy Alberino story) are getting nervous, and trying to hedge their bets by presenting the public with strange stories of death threats. Are they trying to set someone up? Are they trying to distract our attention from some behind-the-scenes matter which involves them? What is this, some kind of Curse of the Pink Panther movie?
Well, we can write fiction based on fact too, you know. We are calling our little drama Aurora Justicia Hedges Her Bets at the Here A Watchman-There A Watchman-Everywhere A Watchman Conference
(Music Playing: The Hedgeman Premier Investigative Duet is singing Marvin Gaye’s I Heard It Through The Grapevine over and over. Finally, a disembodied voice sounding somewhat like the Hawk breaks in to tell the listeners that Doug and Joe Hedgeman will come on the air, just as soon as they get through their TSA interrogation at the Eeerie, Pennsylvania airport.)
Doug Hedgeman: (Breathless) Hello folks, welcome to this special episode of the Hedgeman and Hedgeman Report, where we are coming to you alive from the radio and television studios here in Northwest Pennsylvania. I’m Doug Hedgeman at the helm with fellow investigator and researcher, my son Joe Hedgeman. We are the Hedgeman and Hedgeman Report; what I like to think of as the premier father and son investigative reporting team. And folks, what we’re preparing tonight is fresh from Grapevine, Texas, as we grant an exclusive interview with Aurora Justicia who unlike us, was able to break through the airport lines and actually board a plane to the Here A Watchman-There A Watchman -Everywhere A Watchman Conference. Joe, bring Aurora on, if you can figure it out.
Joe Hedgeman: We have on the line Aurora Justicia, Chief Reporter for OFF THE WALL NEWS. Hello Aurora, there are many rumors coming from the Grapevine on the Here A Watchman-There A Watchman-Everywhere A Watchman Conference. Since you were actually able to attend, and we were detained for a week at the airport here in Pennsylvania, give us the real scoop on this much anticipated event.
Aurora Justicia: Well first of all, let me apologize for causing your father a little trouble. When I heard that the TSA agents were holding up Doug because of a strange little credit card thing in his wallet which looked like a knife, I immediately called the TSA and told them that they were making a mistake. I explained that Doug Hedgeman was a Blood Splatter Expert, and before I could continue, they jumped on this little fact, and concluded without merit I might add, that he had just killed someone. Of course then they discovered that he was carrying 150 copies of his new book, Stained By Blood and then when he started to speak expletives and tell them that he was an anointed Watchman for God, trust me folks, it went downhill from there. Never call a TSA agent a nitwit, or you will find yourself sleeping at the airport for a week.
Joe: I would have gone on ahead of my Dad, except that I had a few problems of my own. It seems that the TSA were unaware that a married woman might possibly have a maiden name, and they just assumed that all of the documentation that we brought was forged, because who brings real documents to an airport?
Aurora: Mike the Cur, the conference organizer has reported that this conference was a real success. But I am here to testify that he is lying and I can prove it. Prior to the attendees showing up, Mike the Cur presented us with a video boasting that Jesus had shown up and the healing had already begun. Then later, he claimed Satan showed up and messed up their live streaming so that they were forced to have to offer those folks who had paid for this service, free streaming for 30 days. I am not Satan no matter what this man claims.
All I did was flirt with those cute techy guys and had each of them hold the end of two wires. How was I to know that when I plugged the line into the electrical outlet that they were in fact standing too close to each other, creating an Electrical Arcing Effect, which shorted out all of their equipment? Who do you think I am, Tesla? I tried to apologize, but when someone goes on international radio and YouTube calling me Satan, the end is near, as far as I am concerned.
Joe: Uhhh, Dad, why are you pounding your fist on your keyboard at 1,000 words a minute?
Doug: That that that itty bitty blogger is in the chatroom causing trouble. I’ll fix her!!! The latest intel I got on her says that she can only type 35 words per minute with eight errors. That job she got at the bank years ago was because she was wearing a mini skirt. Well, I told her off. I said TYPE THIS if you can, you you Holier Than Thou Christian!!! Do you know what? She could not keep up with me. From now we must speed up our conversation on the radio in order to outpace her transcription skills. Got that Quayle? Got that Joe?
Aurora: Is that why Steve Quayle cancelled his appearance due to unforeseen circumstances this week on the Jim Bakker show? Someone tipped off Jacquelyn Weaver about that show, so she pulled out her transcription pad, and was just reviewing her miniskirts in her closet, when the message came that the gig was up and Steve (I AM NEVER WRONG) Quayle had cancelled. It would appear that he has hacked into Jacquelyn Weaver’s email account, and now is under the delusion that he knows what she is thinking (as if any man could figure her out). By the way, are the rumors true that he is going to write a book like Jim Bakker, called I WAS WRONG (about the Nephilim),but you will never be able to prove it?
Doug: (Gritting his teeth) I know this: Jacquelyn Weaver will never be able to prove anything. The Nephilim are all around me, threats of death, War is raging, Christian against Christian. Regardless of what you say Aurora, my fearful, I mean ah ah ah fearless ah presence was felt at the conference, trust me. I still have disguises from my FBI Operative days, and my double went to this conference dressed as a Paramedic.
I can disclose now that the person calling himself Doug at the conference was in fact Anthony Patch with a wig on. Someone who was on this show once before, had called the police and had said that something terrible was going to happen to the speakers. And immediately I knew they were targeting me. Me! Why Me? I’m a nice guy, honest. Trust me, I was in utter fear for my life and was afraid that I would be found hiding out at the Eerie Pennsylvania airport.
Why would any one want to hurt little ol’ me? Why, did you know that an elderly woman came up to my double at the conference, saying she hated my stuttering on the radio? But then she gave me a big hug and said, “I Love You Anyway”. Anthony Patch was so taken back by this that he started stuttering, especially when she bought all 150 copies of my book. Mom always comes through for me no matter what. Mom if you can hear this, I love you too!!! Anthony Patch sold only 8 copies of his book and six of those were to his mother. I now know what it feels like to be in a combat war zone.
Aurora: I was on your show once. And you can trust me on this, I didn’t make that phone call. I wonder who it was… Hmmmm, so Doug, just who are you trying to set up this time? Got any Grapevine police department “official” reports yet? Just because you are going to post some photos online, means nothing as far as proof goes. I understand there is a good selection of photos on the net which show 25 foot tall Police Surveillance Towers. Just ask Dave Hodges.
Joe: Sorry Aurora, Dad seems to be reverting a little, he just slipped into another detective mode which we call The Boss of Inspector Clouseau in The Pink Panther movies. He seems to think that Jacquelyn Weaver has become Inspector Clouseau or something. Dad, calm down. She can’t hurt you. She is in the chat room, which we control. No one is smarter than you Dad; you are the premier father investigator. Breathe out slowly and repeat after me 100 times. I AM the Premier Father Investigator and no one can touch me through the radio waves (except of course, Aurora Justicia who knows how to plug in to such things). Are you feeling better now? Good (swinging a gold watch in front of his father’s face) you are getting sleeeepy.
Aurora: Well, let’s have a Reality Check for your father’s sake. The goal of this conference organizer was to have 1,000 attendees. You and your Dad said that 200 people were baptized, or rebaptized again and again, and that 200 people had sent you emails telling you what a wonderful conference this was. That leaves 800 persons unaccounted for. I personally counted 798 police, intel, recon, CIA and NSA agents. There were two reporters. Your Dad claimed that Mike the Cur lost money when he had to hire security because of what was going down with terrorist threats and all. Yet your Dad last night issued a terrorist threat himself on air. He declared that he would never fly again and said that he hoped the airlines would shut down. Is that not a slightly veiled terroristic threat itself?
Joe: Uhhhhh (trying to change the subject)….say Aurora, just how did you get in for free?
Aurora: I used two 50% off coupons, like those 798 other intel and recon folks, and explained very nicely to the ticket taker that one coupon was for my left side, and the other for my right side. Once the 25 foot surveillance tower was erected, I knew something was up. So immediately all 798 men standing around me offered to be my personal body guard. Who cares that the threat was against the speakers and not the attendees?
I reminded the conference organizers that the terrorist might not be a good shot, so I demanded a refund and they handed me $100 in cash. I should have known at that point, that someone was trying to entrap me with that $100. It had the fingerprints of that one man who actually had paid to come to the conference and was carted away by the Feds, never to be seen again. Now they were claiming that I was an accomplice. As your father said, they suspected this man because he paid in cash (with no coupons!) for his ticket and because he would not let anyone see what was in his “book” or whatever he was holding. And then on top of that, they said it was very suspicious that this guy did not applaud when Russ Dizdar spoke. Why that represents War and Division in the body of Christ!!
Joe: The Hotel was on lockdown. The Speakers were too terrified to Saddle for Battle. They were concerned about Christian against Christian at the All-You Can-Eat Buffet. This was worse than Viet Nam or Afghanistan. No one had thought to bring any MREs. And to think we had left Steve Quayle to guard all of our gold and silver supplies. This came close to being a Red Screen situation.
Aurora: Well, I have to agree with your Dad on one thing. He said that at the conference NOTHING HAPPENED. Wow, he told the truth for once.
Joe: Are you coming to the next conference in September in Tennessee? This one turned out to be more exciting than we had ever expected.
Aurora: Sure why not. At that conference I will remind everyone that as Doug Hedgeman said, NOTHING HAPPENED at this conference. But now your father has said that in the secret back room of the conference all the speakers said that it’s gonna get hot this summer!!!!! And that in his opinion WAR HAS BEGUN, CHRISTIAN AGAINST CHRISTIAN.
He seems to be hedging his bets that he can SET SOMEONE UP to take a fall, so that all the OFF THE WALL reporters will be distracted from seeing what is really going on. Remember that 25 foot erected Sheriff’s tower with tinted windows? Even if there are real bona fide police reports on this one, we won’t see them. You know why? It would set a precedence! And then we might demand to see all those other police reports we have been asking to see, for the last few years.
Joe: Uhhhh, thanks Aurora. What kind of poker should I tell my Dad you are playing here?
Aurora: Mississippi Mud, of course. As Edward Humes, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author of that true crime novel by the same name, said, “Mississippi Mud is that purest form of poker, a game in which the cards become irrelevant and the ability to bluff and betray fellow players reaps the greatest reward. The name is synonymous with a certain brand of corruption in the Magnolia State, undisguised and unashamed. By either definition, lying is an art form in Mississippi Mud, morality a fool’s distraction.”
You can’t fool us hicks down here. We know what is going on with all of these so-called death threats.